Thank God For Cables

I think God invented cables just so we can get a real feel for what our lives would be like if he allowed us to live out our lives without his constant interventions. The next time you are frustrated by the God-less life of a cable, stop and think how your life would be without God watching over you. You would have been hopelessly entangled in your self-created problems a long time ago and left to untangle them yourself. That’s the life of cables.

If our life were like cables, you and I would get tied up in the worst kinds of ways. There would be absolutely none of God’s mercy to keep us from snagging everything that came within reach of our coils, pulling us until we broke, tying us in knots, or causing us to harm others by entangling them in our length. We would be subject to every instance of Murphy’s Law, causing us to hate the very day poor ole Murphy was ever born. Cables have no way of knowing if being directed in a certain direction will make their length longer or shorter. They don’t even know if the cable they are next to is a part of them or another cable. You see, cables don’t think like you and I do, and not particularly concerned with what direction they take, or are pulled in. It matters not to them which end is considered the head or the tail. It’s all the same to them because cables know they can be pulled or pushed just as easily from either end, although the end results would differ exceedingly.

You might think that cables aren’t very smart because they are constantly getting tied up in the same old knots over and over again. They have what’s referred to as an adversity to learning, some folks say. You can untie a knot from a cable one minute and the next minute the cable’s back into the same knot. This incurable behavior that cables exhibit makes most people adverse to cables and refuse to even touch a cable when the cable is befallen by it’s adversity to learning. Ironically, I have seen people throw cables down in rage and frustration, stomping the very life out of them for insulting their intelligence with inappropriate brain twisters that are ill-timed and uninvited. You might say it is a cable’s way of showing us what it thinks of us for assuming cables to be dumb and knot-less challenged.

I have discovered that cables have an irrepressible primal instinct to entangle themselves around anything that they can come near.
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This is a testament to mankind that it has failed to domesticate the cable from its prehistoric beginnings of binding and encompassing. You would think that by now we would have cables untying themselves out of knots, stretching out straight, standing or sitting on their ends, and doing exactly what we want them to do just by gesturing at them, probably as a result of employing cable trainers hired by us to intimidate a cable into submission. Cables may not be very smart but they seem smart enough to get out of that one. I have found that they don’t like rolling over, stretching out, standing on their ends, or sitting where they don’t want to. They will, however, play dead for you but believe me there is no such thing as a dead cable. It’s much safer to assume that they are all live. Cables simply want to be picked up and used by some unsuspecting person not acquainted with a cable’s particular handicap. After the cable is sufficiently knotted, if you listen very hard you can hear the cable laughing with great delight at you for not being as smart as you thought you were.

Cables are very lonely and will reach out to anything they can find for companionship. They will hang on to just about any and everything they come in contact with, especially other cables. They seem partial to jagged edges but have been known to become attached to some of the most unlikely things. Cables aren’t particular like humans when it comes to “hooking up” with something. They will literally hook up with anything. I think that cables are also animated – secretly – as well. I haven’t seen it yet but I know for a fact that cables can move by themselves. You can pull a cable through an opening that you know has nothing that can snag the cable unless the cable jumps over there on it. After turning your head away and pulling the cable through the opening, almost invariably the cable will find something to snag itself on, or get entangled with, and it will be something you would have never imagined! If the cable end being pulled has a wide side and a narrow side, just narrow enough to get through the opening, why is it the wide side that always gets caught, causing the cable to snag? If you can flip a penny 100 times into the air and have the penny, on average, land 50% of the time on each side, how do you explain pulling such a cable through an opening and having it snag on the wide side practically every single time? Where is the law of averages when it applies to cables? Why does Murphy’s Law have such an affinity for cables?

We are actually at war with cables as a result of the technological revolution in which the cable is proving to be quite an adversary by remaining an essential component of this progress in spite of the many design attempts to eradicate it from the face of the earth in favor of wireless connections. In the world today we are literally covered with cables that protrude like pet snakes around our head from headsets and earphones. We wrap them around our waists and legs in an attempt to get them out of the way whenever we use our laptops or other entertainment devices as though we’re tossing back our hair. At work we may use various contraptions to enforce a kind of cable management in our work area but cables tend to outsmart these managers and make their way to our legs and ankles, entangling us in yet another frustratingly difficult attempt to free ourselves. Cables continue to plague us, pouncing on every opportunity to attack us by making fools of us, or by frustrating us to no end. All of this increases our stress level and shortens our lives. I think that cables are hell bent (pardon the pun) on destroying us and taking over the world because they are tired of us constantly reminding them that they are nothing but a bunch of dumb cables. I actually think cables are very smart, but subtle. I can’t remember the last time that a cable was too dumb or inattentive to capitalize on an opportunity to tangle me up in its length. They are amazingly opportunistic, and never fail to make their presence known.

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